While most parents support an “honesty is the best policy” approach to raising their children, it’s often hard to make good on the promise. Difficult situations arise, and sometimes it’s easiest to push off those hard conversations until your child is older.
When a relative passes away, when financial strain takes its toll, or if you and your partner go through a separation, it might seem easier to tell a fib and save the hard conversation for when your child is older.
Lying also might seem like a good solution for smaller issues like holiday traditions, missed sports matches, and broken promises.
But, while telling a “little white lie” might seem harmless, especially when your child is young, it actually occupies an ethical limbo that usually ends poorly.
Here’s the truth about telling white lies and why you should avoid them at all costs.
There Are (Almost) No “Good” Lies
Odds are, you’ve lied to your child in some way or another over the years. The good news is, you’re not alone. Studies have shown that almost all parents, across all cultures, lie to their children for various reasons.
These lies range from telling your children you’ll buy them something “later,” supporting mythical fictions like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, or that your kindergartner’s drawing is “good,” when really, it’s awful. These are surely good lies, right? Well, not always.
Researchers at UC San Diego published a paper outlining a concept called “prosocial” lying. It explains a lot about why parents might lie to their kids.
The study found that when a person cares about someone else, they’re more likely to tell a prosocial lie—that is, a lie that’s told in order to avoid causing emotional harm. However, while it might delay some hard truth or traumatizing fact, white lies are only temporary solutions.
It’s much better for you to be honest with your child from the outset. Here’s why.
What Happens when You Lie
Kids can tell when they’re being lied to.
No matter how sly you think you’re being, kids have an innate sense of being able to tell when something is true or not, and even if they believe you for the time being, it won’t be long until you’re unmasked.
When they find out you are telling white lies, it’ll be much harder to explain yourself than if you’d just told the truth in the first place.
Lying to your child at a young age also creates a whole bunch of negative side effects. When you lie to your kid, even if it’s something small, you’re demonstrating that you aren’t trustworthy and that lying is sometimes acceptable.
You have no control over what your child internalizes. This means, while you might not think twice about telling your kid you didn’t eat their Halloween candy (when you really did), they might see the candy wrapper in your waste bin and take it to heart.
They’ll remember the time their parent betrayed their trust, and use it as a justification for their own lies and deceits. By the time they’re teenagers, this might escalate into lying about drugs, sex, and underage drinking.
It’s best to be honest as often as you can to create open pathways of communication between you and your child. This can be tough, so here are some alternatives to telling white lies that nonetheless make those difficult conversations a little easier.
Alternatives to Telling White Lies
Apologizing
It’s always tough to admit when you’re wrong, especially to your kids, but it’s absolutely worthwhile. If you have the heart and humility to admit to your child you were wrong about something or that you handled a situation poorly, it’ll work toward building a great sense of trust between the two of you.
They may be initially hurt by whatever it is you lied about, but they’ll grow to respect your honesty and return it in kind.
Metaphors
Stories are some of the most powerful tools we have to connect with each other, and metaphors are one of the greatest ways to soften the blow of hard truths.
Death, divorce, financial burden, and illness are all things children will have an easier time understanding if you use appropriate imagery and explanations. Children’s stories are great places to look for ideas, but here are a few of my own:
- Depict illness as a monster, but one that can be beaten.
- Explain death as picking flowers from a garden—the most beautiful ones go first.
- Getting divorced is like planting a tree—the base is still there, but branches grow apart.
Say “No”
It’s perfectly acceptable for you to refuse to answer your child. You’re the adult, and there are some things you know that your child doesn’t need to.
If they ask you uncomfortable or difficult questions about money, sex, drugs, or anything else, feel free to respond saying, “I’ll tell you when you’re older,” or “That’s something for grown ups to know.”
It’s fine for you to set boundaries between you and your child, and if you don’t have something true to say, it’s best not to say anything at all.
I hope this advice has been helpful! Next time you find yourself about to lie to your child about something, ask how it helps. I’m willing to bet it doesn’t—it just waylays some harder truth.
If you can, find a way to tell your child the truth whenever possible and develop the sense of trust you want to have with them.
Author Bio
Eric M. Earle is the founder of Tutor Portland. He used to struggle with mathematics himself, but became the premier math tutor in Portland, Oregon. He focuses on improving students’ math grades to better their college acceptance rates.
