Man, five year olds say funny things. Their innocence prevents them from knowing what they are really saying. The first thing that pops inside their brains is exactly what pops outside of their mouths.

Now, the comedy is sometimes lost on us because we are the teachers. We do have to maintain some semblance of order amongst the chaos in our kindergarten classrooms.

Sometimes, we turn around and walk away smiling. Most of the time, we hold it in until we can run to find another teacher who will be equally entertained.

Here are some of the funny things that have quite honestly made our day. (or, at times, ruined it)

Seasons for 1,000, Alex.

Amanda H from New York explains, “We were discussing what month and year it is during calendar time. For the first time during the school year, I thought to bring. “What season is it?” into the mix. One little boy, positive he has the correct answer, yells out, ‘Deer Season!’ Can you tell their family is a hunting family??”

Graph it!

When discussing different types of graphs, Maureen M. from Nevada explains that one type is called a bar graph. One student shoots up his hand, too enthusiastic to ignore. Ms. M. asks, “Yes, do you have something to say about the bar graph?”  The student replies, “My dad lovvvess the bar. He goes there all the time.”  I think Ms. M. joined him after work on that night.

A is for apple but B is for …………….?

“Butt, and my mom has a huge one,” exclaimed one of the more outspoken students in the classroom. This wasn’t something I wanted to notify the parents about on Class Dojo. Other funny words that kindergarten teachers have heard from their students while discussing beginning sounds of words:

f is for Facebook

P is for poop

W is for weed (you know, the kind you smoke.)

What exactly are you doing?

I am pretty sure this is one of those funny things that ruined my day. This was in the beginning of my teaching career. Little Tommy was drawing an imaginary line in the air with his pointer finger while looking at my face. I asked him what he was doing and he said, “I am connecting the dots.” I guess my Clearasil wasn’t doing the trick at that time.

Look at my sticker.

Susie K. from Ohio said she had one student who was extremely happy and enthusiastic one morning. He walked in proudly announcing that he had a new sticker from home. On further examination, Ms. K. noticed that it was in fact a maxi pad that he was sporting like a badge of honor.

Jimmy has a nickel.

Ann E. from Texas related this experience, “I had a little boy playing with a Barbie sort of thing. You lay pieces of fabric over the body and close the frame and it looks like their clothes. He was playing with another little girl and said he needed something to cover her big elbows. The little girl politely told him that they weren’t elbows, they were nipples. He didn’t miss a beat and responded with, ‘Ok, I need something for her nickels.’ I didn’t say a word; too busy trying not to laugh.”

Can you repeat the question, please?

Katherine Walker from Georgia tells this story about one very literal kindergarten student. “Yesterday, I was reviewing letter sounds with a group. I asked one of the girls if she could tell me what sound letter B makes. ‘Whisper,’ she told me. Trying to keep a straight face, I re-explained to her that each letter has its own special sound. I asked what sound letter C makes? ‘Shout.’ she answered. After she told me that letter D makes the scream sound, I gave up completely.”

Open House equals Open Bar???

A fellow teacher friend Lori M. chatted with one of her sweet students who lived with her grandparents. She asked her if her family was coming to Open House. With a serious face the tiny child responded, “Papa said he is only coming if they are serving beer.” Guess Grandad was a no show at that one.

Hide the “old” photos.

Sally H, teaches in Oklahoma. She had a picture of her family on her desk. It was taken about 10 years previous. Ms. H notices one boy milling around her desk staring intently at her picture. Finally, he asks seriously, “Why are you so old now?” Not the best way to start the day.

Britches keep us in stitches.

We all have that one bold student who acts like they are 21. Kimberly P. recalls her story about one such child.

Ms. P: Somebody has on their sassy britches right now. Can you think of a kinder way to say that?
Student with attitude: Did you just call me a britch?

You can’t make this stuff up. It happens every day.

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